It's been awhile since I last posted. I am doing well and in two days will have my second surgery behind me. I am a bit nervous about this surgery.
I had a car accident last Friday - one week before this upcoming surgery. Weird thing - I had a car accident one week before my last surgery. This time it was my fault. Thank God no one was hurt. It was a weird experience. I am now always second guessing each driving move I make. I think I just need to relax and let God take control. I am really stressed out about this surgery. I worry about the anesthesia, the pain when I wake up, the pain over the next week. I keep praying about my circumstances and am trying to hand them all over to God. I need to glance at my circumstances and stare at Jesus.
I did this blog to help others understand what I went through and how I got through it. I felt God call me to do this. I just hope at least one person reads it and that it blesses them in some good way. I don't seem to have as many friends this go round - but that may be my fault. I have a tendency to push people away when I get worried about things and try to take complete control. I know there are people out there praying for me. My friend Judie, who has been through this journey more times than me, totally gets me and prays for me all the time. She has truly been a blessing.
I do mourn my breasts. I am not second guessing my decision to have them removed. I just miss my body parts. I am very thankful that I caught the cancer early and that I don't have to do chemo. I am happy to be alive. I think it is okay to mourn my breasts as long as I don't let it consume me, which it hasn't so far. I am slowly getting used to them being gone. I still don't like to look at myself in the mirror. I have two big scars across my chest. The doctor did a nice job - but I still gasp when I see myself. Time will heal this and once the nipples are added my chest will look more normal. If I was 20 years older - I would not have had the reconstruction. It has been very uncomfortable. My left shoulder always hurts when I lift weights or just lift my arm out to my side. It doesn't stop me from doing anything. I am even doing push ups. It is just a nuisance. I am pretty sure it is a result of the lymph nodes that were removed from my armpit. I don't have swelling or anything - just the pain - which is about a 1 or 2 out of 10. I have been working out daily - so I hope to eventually get rid of the pain completely.
I have decided to get silicone breast implants. The expanders are filled with saline and they are really hard. I undestand that the silicone implants feel more like natural breasts. There is a risk of the silicone leaking into my chest - but I will try it. If I need to have them replaced due to rupture within the next couple of years, I will go with saline and deal with it. I am hoping and praying that I won't have to replace these implants for a very long time. But at some point they will either have to be replaced or just removed. I will deal with that when I need to..
I will update this blog after the surgery. I'm not sure how I'll feel after the surgery on Friday. It is outpatient and I will be back home by that evening. I am told that I may have tubes this time but may not depending on how well the doctor feels I will heal. I will have to take antibiotics and narcotic pain killers for a few days. I am not looking forward to the side affects, but hopefully I won't need the pain killers for long. I am hoping to return to work maybe mid week next week. Jim is going to take the week off to take care of me, the kids and the house. He'll like the time off from work, but it will not be a vacation for him.
For my husband, Jim, and my kids J.J. and Jessica - I love you. You are my world. I am so glad that I have you in my life. Hugs and kisses to you all! And blessings to all my family and friends. You all mean so much to me.
I will do my best to rest as I get through this stage of my journey. It's great to be alive. Thanks God for my life! God Bless!
TTFN,
Kelly
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