Well, I went to the Oncologist today. I wasn't too happy with her recommendation - 4 treatments of chemotherapy for breast cancer every three weeks. She told me that I am border-line for her recommending me for this treatment. My tumor was smaller than 1 centimeter and she said she usually doesn't recommend it for a tumor less than one centimeter and with no cancer showing up in breast during surgery or lymph nodes, but due to her not being completely sure of the size based on the lab trying to piece the pieces of the tumor from the needle biopsy back together and not being able to get a definitive size, she recommends the chemo. The statistics between me taking the treatments and not are about 9% difference. Basically, if I decide to go with the treatments, I am 9% less likely to develop another type of cancer such as pancreatic or peritoneal. This is not a big difference in my mind, so I am 99.99% sure at this point that I am opting to say no to this treatment. In fact I consider this over-kill. The side-effects of chemo far outweigh the benefits in my mind. Other things like - there is a very small chance that the chemotherapy could cause me to get leukemia; I would have to put off reconstruction treatment until well after I am over the chemotherapy; my immune system will suffer; I will lose all my hair (temporarily I am told) - all this for a 9% smaller chance of a cancer recurrence. I will still have to be monitored for the rest of my life either way by taking cancer screenings - so that isn't a benefit. I just have a bad feeling about the chemo and what it did to my mother (chemo-therapy killed my mother when she had ovarian cancer). I also don't think my body can take much more. I am fine with my doctors removing tissue that could be impacted but I am not so sure about drugs that cannot guarantee me much of a difference and that cause so many side effects. The chances of me having a recurrence are very low now based on the surgeries I just had. So again, I say, overkill.
I had a very emotional conversation with God today about this chemotherapy. I told him how much I miss my parents and pets I have lost over the years. I told him I don't want to go through this chemotherapy, that I have done all that I think that I can bear. But I also told him if he wants me to go through with it that I will. And I ended my prayer by asking God for a sign if my request was the right choice (not having the chemotherapy). About 30 minutes later my daughter arrived home from school. She went on a search for a video of Nemo that we have. While going through our VHS tapes, she found some old unlabeled tapes. She put one into the VCR and then called me to the room. On the TV screen was a video scene from 1995, when my son (now 16) was about 8 months old, in my parents living room on Christmas morning. And in the room were my Mom and Dad (now deceased), front and center - just as I remember them - the years between then and now melting away. Then a few scenes later came a scene with my two dogs Zeus and Ulf, now deceased. These were the people and pets that I mentioned in my prayer to God shortly before watching this old family video. This was my sign from God that I have already done what He has asked of me and that I can move on without the chemotherapy. It was plain to me at that moment. Now I am 100% sure that I am not having the Chemotherapy treatments - God said so.
Other than that I am feeling a bit better today. We went to Victoria's Secrets after the appointment and got shaping inserts for my bra so I won't look so awfully flat until the reconstruction is completed. I am having trouble with hot flashes, and, believe it or not, cold flashes where I cannot get warm. I am hoping this part passes me - I don't like to be cold like that. I like Winter cold - but not this type where I can't get warm enough no matter how many blankets I put over me. I can handle the hot flashes - they don't last too long and I can usually get up and move around and they lessen. I am also taking Black Cohosh. The Oncologist said she would help me find something to lesson my menopausal symptoms since I cannot take hormone treatments.
I am off the narcotic pain meds as of Friday. Saturday was the first day without them. What a terrible weekend. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest the whole time and I couldn't do much more than just lay around, sleep and watch TV. I got to take my first shower in weeks on Saturday morning - so that day started out well - but ended in pain. We also got 8 inches of snow and the electricity went out for 3 hours. So I was cold, grumpy, in pain, tired and weepy. Not my finest hour. And on top of that I had the worst constipation (sorry) I have ever had in my entire life - caused by the narcotics - a great reason to get off of them quick. That and I have been in such a groggy state since I returned home that I can't remember much and forget words. I am told that not only the narcotics caused this but also the eight hours worth of anesthesia I was under during the surgery.
I will be honest - I did not FEEL God with me during this weekend. I didn't blame him or anything like that. I just kept focusing on myself and how I was feeling. I finally started praying again and reading Bible verses - which I really think is helping give me the strength to get on with my healing and take control of my health and future.
My husband has been great the last few weeks and has done everything I've asked of him and then some. I couldn't have done nearly as well without him. He has bathed me, dressed me, done the house work, taken care of the kids, taken care of the pets, encouraged me, held me when I'm weepy, and let me know he still finds me sexy. What more could a woman ask for in her man? God surely has blessed me with a great husband. I'm just sorry it took this journey for me to see it.
I see the plastic surgeon on Friday. I hope to find out when reconstructions starts. In two weeks I see the Oncologist and will let her know my decision to pass on chemotherapy. She will discuss with me how and when I will go through cancer screenings so that I can be monitored and hopefully catch any cancer that may come along, if any.. But as far as I am concerned, I am cancer free and will stay that way until I die an old lady. If it hits me then, I will have chemotherapy if it is warranted. I am now going to go on with my life as I had originally planned. I will go back on my diet and get rid of the rest of my weight (about 40 pounds), get myself healthy and in shape, ride my horses, play with and love on my kids, pay more attention to my husband, and live my life for the Lord. :-)
May God Bless You in all you do!
TTFN,
Kelly
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